I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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