i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
