mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
