Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
