New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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