So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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