We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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