Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
the liver wants what the liver wants
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
