Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
