I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
