I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
