if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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