Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Did I show you my penis last night?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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