Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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