There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize