My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
