my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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