u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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