he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
