I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I could have mohawked her pubes.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Let's get the cat blown out
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
