Well douche your snatch and let's go!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
