We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
