My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
