So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
