On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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