I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
