Dual....:-)
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
