i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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