My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
