hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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