its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Randomize
