what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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