She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
