I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
