Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize