I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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