im six kinds of drunk right now
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
