Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
