Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
