I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
