i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
