i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
