i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
