im six kinds of drunk right now
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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