I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
