I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize