i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
