I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
