so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
