OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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