While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Oh god it's open bar.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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