Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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