Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
