my vag is so smooth its legendary
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
