Umm I'm too high to move.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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