I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We are all done wearing pants today
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
