I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
